The Big Noob

When this one came across my MySpace tonite (cough, cough), I just couldn't help but laugh until my sides hurt. I share this with you now for two reasons: First and foremost, I simply think it's freaking hilarious.

Secondly, I dedicate this to you, Mr. Grinch. The kind gentleman who emailed me the other day asking how I could be so immature when posting in this blog. So, just for you, please enjoy this indepth study on CSS. Now, go hack your box model somewhere else!

For everyone else, I give you my hero, Chuck Norris. If you've read it before I apologize. If not, then enjoy.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

3. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

4. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

6. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

8. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles." Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

9. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

10. The original theme song to Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris — more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris — robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

11. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

13. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya."

14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

15. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

16. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

17. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

18. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

19. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

20. Helen Keller's favourite color is Chuck Norris.

21. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

Note: To the original author of this humorous banter. Send me your name. My first child will share it with you...